Once upon a Tim, there lived an old travel/tourism website with no content. Its owner, a sleepy man with two monitors and some free time (for once), had recently thought of regurgitating something onto the web, something with sparkle and pizzazz and affiliate links. Rather than spend the money on a new domain name, he cracked open the old website, flushed out the old 404 page, and went to work, knowing full well that he’d never tried WordPress and would tire of the whole effort within the hour.
What would he call this new bleep-bloop he was building? His domain name, ocny.com, used to stand for “Orange County, New York.” It gave driving directions. It sold hotel rooms. It was a “whole catalog” of tourism websites, back when curated catalogues on the web were a thing. But those days were long past. The domain name, some said, was valuable, but could he re-use it? What could those letters stand for?
The sleepy man racked his brain, hanging its bulges and folds on metal coat hangers and sliding into the next room. Surely, there must be some four-word phrase he could use.
“‘Old Cows Need Yogurt?’ Why, yes they do.
“‘Odd Carpets Next Year?’ Yes, if they’re shag, pastel, and stained with poo.
“‘Oily Corpses Near You?’ No, I hate that app.”
Suddenly realizing he was at work (and daydreaming with his mouth open), the sleepy man glanced at his email. Nothing new there. No one needed his help, not for the past hour, and quite possibly, not for the rest of the evening.
But the sleepy man couldn’t leave. He had committed himself to sitting in his chair for ten-plus hours on a Friday. At times like this, he envied people with “real jobs,” like plumbers, mechanics, and social media managers. He yearned to go outside and breathe the crisp autumn air. As he checked his bank account on his phone for the fourth time, he began a quiet yawn.
“Don’t yawn too loud,” he thought. “Two more hours to go.”
“Stay awake. You need the cash. We all need the cash.
“Our cash never yawns.”
And it occurred to the sleepy man that not only was he thinking in acronyms, but he had arrived at the website title he sought for so very long (perhaps two or three minutes). He picked up the title, capitalized each word, and flung it onto the ‘net, where it landed on an apostrophe. “How inspiring,” he thought.
Then he typed up some product reviews and emailed his friends and there ya’ go.
The ending to this story lives inside all of us. You, the reader, are a trusted friend, perhaps even a family member, who seeks the eternal truth of existence, which has something to do with a lower wireless bill. You must stay vigilant, for in the coming days, your magic hyperlink will appear, provided however that there are no guarantees in life, the sleepy man may or may not choose to build out this website, the links may not be functional, the discounts may expire or be completely non-existent despite the sleepy man’s reasonable efforts, the sky may fall, a chasm may open under your house or car or child’s bar mitzvah, or the European Union may insist on protecting your privacy through a standard disclaimer that the sleepy man might forget to include when this page reaches your screen bezel or thumb.
Who is Tim?